This might possibly be the last time I post. Rest assured, what has been written here will not be deleted, but as my free time becomes more scarce, I cannot make any promises as to whether or not i will write again.

With staging the house now becoming a priority, coupled with paperwork for the NYLF/Med, as well as friends and schoolwork, there is simply no time for me to update people who aren't even a part of my life as to the goings on in the aforementioned. If you know me well enough to think you need constant updates (which you haven't been getting), feel free to comment or email or whatever.

Anyway, there aren't that many people who see this thing anyway. I've never had a network of friends from around the country. Maybe I  should, but that's not happening anytime soon.
I hope you all enjoy the changes I've made for the last time.

Te amo muchas. Hasta luego. See you in the next life.
-Maeve

I'm tired of apologising for not writing. There are other things to do in this world than post on a blog, as both Lasair and I have proven. Here, have a list:

• Catch up with Lasair
• Catch up with countless other Southridge friends
• Attempt to have a social life
• Make sure I don't do a repeat of my A- in Geometry
• Try to keep up in Spanish 3-4
• Read a book (quite a feat on this schedule, I must say)
• Work out the kinks in my semester 2 schedule
• Beta-read for about 12 people, and 17 different stories
• Keep up with current music
• Do some stupid Biology homework that I always seem to forget about
• And so much more that I can't even remember it all

So I'm really just posting to say that it's New Year's Eve. I'm moving. I don't have a real resolution besides the one that I had last year, which is to try and be as good of a friend as I can before I'm gone. I'm broken. I'm tired. And Teja kills me. Literally.

I won't explained what happened again because that's tedious. Bottom Line: She lied to me and pissed me off in a way that no one else ever could. And I still love her. But everytime I see her I feel the need to cry.

So life is not going exactly as planned. And it will probably continue to be that way. For a long time.

Alright. So Teja said yes to Homecoming. Homecoming is today. Recently there was a conflict with other things going on tonight, like the drama play and babysitting for her neighborhood. So she had to choose. I talked to her on the phone this morning, and she chose babysitting. Babysitting and a stupid play that she doesn't even have a part in - over me. Over my last homecoming here.

Oops. I meant to save that until later. My dad got a job in Tennessee. He'll probably leave around Thanksgiving, and then my mom and my brother and I will leave when the house sells. I've known for a while, but now everyone else knows too. I wanted to wait until it was for damn sure until I told everyone..... especially Lasair.
Mostly people have told me that they hate me and that I'm going to live in their closet when it's time. It's rather touching, actually. People that I barely know have started crying... Even boys.

Back to Homecoming. I am so pissed right now, I can barely think. The next time I see her, she better watch out. I will probably be the meanest, nastiest bitch that she could imagine. Because I am tired of this shit. I am tired of waiting. Of being built up just for a let down. All this two-steps-forward, two-steps-back crap. This is bullshit, and I'm sick of it. I'm ready for some truth.

Why? Because I don't have a whole lot of time here. There's only so much that I can take while I'm preparing to pack of my life and move it across the country. Only so much I can handle when I'm crying myself to sleep because I realised another thing that I'll never get to do. Like take Lasair to Junior Prom. Or see Arianna graduate next year. I'm running out of time.

So what it comes down to is this: All or Nothing.

Alright. I know it's been a while since anyone wrote. (*cough, cough* LASAIR!) But I guess we've all been a little busy. I know I have. Between football games and hoemwork, family issues and homecoming drama, there really isn't a lot of time anymore for me.
And yet, here I am....

Okay, Teja is seriously still as amazing as ever, but she's starting to kill me here. For ONCE, I took the initiative and did something about our relationship. I asked her to Homecoming. And she didn't even call me, for Christ's sake, to give me a goddamn answer! But I get to see her tonight anyway, so whatever. She'll get her chance to explain.
This is probably really confusing to everyone. Well, let me let you know what's been going on. So basically Teja and I have established that we like each other. We've gone to a game together, and we held hands there (!). We were at a party together, and we spend most of the time pushing each other up against walls and doing unnamed things to each others necks. And before you ask, no, I do not have a hickey. Jesus.
The only thing was that I never had any idea about where we really stood. Were we together? Were we just with benefits? What the fuck?

And high school sucks, by the way. Taking three honours classes was not a good idea, no matter how much I thought it was at the time. I wish I could be invisible sometimes. But that's just impossible, because this guy (Alejandro) won't leave me alone, because I've known him for about 4 weeks, but he seems to think that that's enough time to be the best of friends, tell each other everything, etc. How wrong he is. It doesn't help that he wants to go out with me though.

ugh.

School's back.... My apologies for the wait.

So, I've started my freshman year as a student at KeHS. School's not that bad. I'm taking three honors classes as a freshman, which is kinda harsh (or so I'm told). Let's see... Honors Spanish 3-4, Honors Geometry, and Honors Biology. On Tuesday, after the Labor Day weekend, I am meeting with the Freshman counselor to discuss changing my schedule, because I want to get myself into Choir and dump (the technical term would be "waive") PE. So Choir would go into 4th, where I currently have Biology. Biology will be moved to 3rd, where right now I have English. I'm hoping English will move to 1st, where I currently have PE. If not, then I still have more figuring to do.

So I'm adjusting slightly. I've had some miserable days, and then Lasair made me promise to have a good day, so I did. The first Drama Club meeting was today, so I went. All I've gotta do is buy my ASB, and then I can officially join.

Life at home sucks. Really bad. I can't really disclose why, but it has a lot to do with my dad, and my brother's reaction to it, which was decidedly not good, and thta's making my mom all stressed out and it's just a big mess... But anyway. I apologise once again for not writing in about two months. Hopefully Lasair will write too, now.

I hate summer. I hate the sun. I hate warmth. I hate lonliness. I hate school. I hate separation. I hate music that I don't want to listen to. I hate a lot of things.

But I have managed to write two new songs. I actually wrote them both on the day before my birthday, wich was last Wednesday. I just wrote one after another, for reasons I can't even remember.

So the first one is called "Miss You", and it's pretty much about my friends and all the stuff we've done together and how much I'm going to miss them when I'm not going to be able to see them every day.

I'll miss you when I'm not here
I'll love you with every tear
But there's no need to cry for me now
And I'll remember you somehow
You're unforgetable ...
And I'll miss you

The second one is "Won't Stop Waiting". It's about Teja, and about my frustration that I haven't been my best for her, haven't given her what she needed as my friend. It also about how I know that she doesn't want me, but that "won't stop me waiting" for her to.

Because no matter how much I sit here
And wish that you would love me
That will never happen
And no matter how much I want it
My choices can't change
I guess our lives were never meant to cross
But that won't stop me waiting

That's basically what's been going through my mind these past three weeks. I just keep thinking that I would do everything so much better if I had another shot at it. This thought actually occured to me about three months ago, but two and a half years of not being good enough can't be solved in that time. Two and a half years of not being good enough can't be solved in any less time than two and a half years. But I don't have that much time to fix it all. In fact, it seems almost as if I have no time left at all.

So... it's been a while. What to say... well, this is the first summer that I'm NOT looking forward to going back to school because two of my best friends (one being Maeve) plus a whole bunch of good friends and just friends aren't going to be at school with me. So, as Maeve said in her blog entry earlier, we cried. A lot. I cried. A lot. I cried myself to sleep the first three nights. But now, I don't think it's sunk in. I probably won't totally realize until I go on the first day of school and I don't see all of them there. That's when it'll hit me. But today, I almost cried again, because I was talking to one guy who i'm friends with and who's NOT going to my high school (he'll be with Maeve) and we were emailing back and forth. Then I asked him if he's looking forward to starting school again and he said no because I won't be there. And then he said all these sweet things afterwards, I almost cried again.

So, anyway, yes, I realize I lead a very... shallow life, it seems, compared to Maeve. Of course, since I have been on here in months i just discovered a poll about my decision to have an arranged marriage. But hey, that could change. Depends on if my parents ever change their mind about letting me date.

Oh well. I'm not in a deep enough mood to write about the deeper things going on in my life and you don't need to know anyway!!

So bye!